Today I had to go to the doctor to get my feet looked at.  I hate the doctors office…just because they’re always running late and I feel uncomfortable peeing in a cup.  Today was especially uncomfortable though because I didn’t get to see my usual doctor.

They did the usual…weight, temperature, height, blood pressure.  The only normal thing was blood pressure. I came to the doctor for my feet and ended up having a temperature of 100, finding out I’ve lost 8 pounds since October, and being told I’m an inch shorter (which I KNOW is not true!!).  Great start, right?

Well after looking at my feet and hurting me a LOT, I was told the only way to truly “fix” them was to have reconstructive surgery of my main joints. NO. NOT HAPPENING. My family doesn’t have the money, nor do I have the time. So antibiotics and a treatment plan it was! We came up with a temporary solution, which will hopefully turn long-term.

We got talking, this doctor used to be a family friend. (key word “USED”). He asked about my family yada yada and then he commented on my height. He asked where I got it, because neither of my parents are very tell, etc etc. Then he said “Well, how tall was your grandfather?” and I felt the blood drain from my face.  He looked up from his computer and realized immediately what he’d said and he tried to cover it up and change the subject, but there was nothing he could do.  I closed my mouth which was probably suspended in mid air, and brushed my hair away from my face and behind my ears, put my shoes back on, and shook his hand.  Then I left, and once I was in my car I finally exhaled and drove home in silence…not even the radio was playing.  Those of you who know me know that my grandfather committed suicide before I was even born.  So, I never knew him? How badly can it really hurt? After all, ya can’t miss what you’ve never had, right? WRONG. SO, SO wrong. I miss him practically every day. Especially now, that I’m graduating and everything. 

I imagine that he would love to listen to me play violin if he were here. I imagine that my grandmother would be a different person than she is today if he were here.  I imagine that I would spend lots of time with him, singing and joking.  He would listen to me play piano and sing along.  We would play board games on rainy days, and play catch in the yard on sunny days.  He would tell me stories about when he grew up and about my mom and aunt when they were young.  Maybe, maybe he’d have even taken me fishing.  I imagine that, when I performed with the Symphony last April, he would have been cheering the loudest when I came out for a second bow.  I imagine, that he may have cried at my senior recital when I played a really pretty piece.  I imagine that he’d laugh a lot with me.  I imagine that he’d be the first to want a picture with me after my graduation. I imagine that this past winter, when things were beyond horrible, that he would have given me the best hug in the whole world. I imagine that if he were here my mom wouldn’t feel guilty, my sister would be a normal adult, and my grandmother would love me.  I imagine that my grandfather would be my biggest fan in the whole world. I don’t care how imperfect he may have been, or what mistakes he would have made…anything would be better than not having him like I’m stuck with right now. I just pray to God EVERY SINGLE DAY, that he’s in heaven.  I pray that I’ll see him again some day.  I hope he can see me right now and see how much I miss the man I never knew, how much I believe things would be different if he were still here, how much I love him even though I’ve never said the worlds “grand daddy” (like my cousins called him) to anyone ever in my whole life. 

I really do believe everything would be different if he were here. I resent that he thought he was special enough to end his own life and leave my family the way he did. I don’t want to feel angry about any of it.  I don’t have enough energy for that, but it hurts so much that I have to live like this and he escaped all his pain.  Suicide is the most selfish thing any human can do.  I don’t care how depressed you are, how bad your life may seem to be. Someone, somewhere loves you.  Maybe you haven’t met them yet, maybe they haven’t even been born.  But who are you to assume you know yourself well enough to escape God’s ultimate plan for you?!

If you’re depressed or hurting go to someone and get help. It’s so difficult, but in the end it’ll be the best thing for you and for someone else out there who needs you in their life. Days like these depress me. Rant officially done.